I have started writing many posts this week, but none of them feel right to post.
Since this blog is about me and my journey it's only appropriate that I share all my experiences, the good and the bad.
This week I have spent a lot of time focused on how to "get up", as the last week has been quite hard for me.
For those that don't know, my little baby Charlie was diagnosed with Biliary Atresia (BA) at 8 weeks old. BA is a childhood liver decease that effects 1 in 18,000 children and in short is a blockage of the bile ducks preventing the bile from draining.
To make a long story short we are in the process of tests to be listed for a liver transplant. We have been in and out of hospital since the diagnosis and so last week we went in again for 3 days.
On an everyday basis Charlie is doing well (considering) but he had to receive an Albumin infusion to ease his swollen tummy and since we were there the Drs decided to run as many tests as possible to get him listed for transplant. So in the scheme of hospital visits for us this was a good one.
Naturally this is my most dreaded situation because any time we go to hospital, even for his check ups I'm always emotionally drained after wards. There is always too much information and then you have to wait another month till the next check up. This is when my "fall" happens, I find it very hard to get up emotionally after this.
This time I knew what to expect and told my self that I'd make every attempt to make better food choices. This time I was going to avoid stress or boredom eating, because I now recognise those triggers.
Hopefully You have never been in this situation, but it's very hard to get good healthy food around the hospital cafes. I managed on Soups, Sushi and vegetable wraps. Definitely making better plans for the next time, by getting family to bring me food.
And then I discovered a whole NEW reason to eat or in my case drink coffee!
So my snacks were coffee, as I was both tired and didn't wan too many snacks between meals. I realised I was getting coffee to "pass time".
I'd get coffee at 8 am as it would get me through until 11am, after all the Dr visits are done. Then another coffee to get me to lunchtime at 2 pm. Then another one at 3 pm to get us through until the next test is scheduled and so on. I had 5 coffees on Thursday!
Again plan for next time is to bring something to do, so I'm occupied. Sudoku, sketching, knitting, games on iPad, anything to help pass the time and doesn't involve eating or drinking.
And so finally I get to my topic at hand. After a few days recovering from the hospital stay (sleeping without beeping machines and nurses in and out of the room) I sit at my local cafe and contemplate my next move. The old me, my programmed saboteur is screening at me to let loose and"enjoy"food. Pizza, muffins, white bread rolls and ice cream.
She tells me that this is all too hard and to reward my self "don't worry about gym or a walk today you deserve a few days off. you are going through a lot!"
As she is talking to me I look over at my cute little hero playing in his pram.
After all the tests he endured last week, the prodding and pocking he sits with a smile and one tooth shyly peeking at me. And my inner motivator is finally within ear shot. Screeming at me to get up dust my self off and proceed on my path. She says "you are doing this for him, you have to get up you have to!"
I am visualising my baby boy after his transplant learning to walk. He will fall a thousand times to try and take that first step alone an unaided. Like many before him, he will get up after every fall and try again. Eventually the falls will be far and few between and he will never fall again.
And so I must get up out of my momentary set back and make the first step forward. He is too important and I will use him as my motivation to push off the table and not look back.